Warning signs of abusive partners

  • Published
  • By Family Advocacy
He's cute, funny and smart, and he wants to be with you -- all the time. In fact, he declared his undying love for you on your first date. He wants to know where you are, who you're with, what you're wearing -- every nanosecond. Aren't you flattered?
   You can just overlook a few little annoyances, can't you? Like when he's hypercritical about the couple of extra pounds you've put on; or when he drives way too fast after another guy talks to you at a party; or when he shoves you into the wall -- "Just fooling around!" Even when he says he'll kill himself if you ever leave him, it sounds romantic, doesn't it? And those few slightly odd behaviors can't compare to the fact that you're so deeply in love. They don't matter, do they?
   Actually they matter very much. Behaviors like these can indicate you are involved with an abusive personality. Abusers can be male or female, although one in four women will be physically assaulted by a partner in a lifetime, while the numbers for males are one in 13.
   People don't suddenly turn into abusers when they become adults. The average age for an abuser to start is around 15. Abuse doesn't always begin with a black eye. It can start small and get bigger, much bigger -- enough to send a victim to the hospital or the morgue.
   According to a 2004 Violence Policy Center Report, 61 percent of U.S. female homicide victims were wives or intimate partners of their killers. In Oklahoma, it's 92 percent, and this state consistently ranks in the top 10 of all states for domestic violence homicides.
   Watch out for these DANGER signs:
   · Sweeping you off your feet and declaring love immediately. Pushing for a quick, intense relationship is the number one sign of a potentially abusive relationship.
   · Jealousy: Cutting you off from family and friends or even activities you enjoy. Obsessing that everyone you meet or know wants you. Expecting you to spend every second with him. Extreme jealousy is not a compliment -- it's a problem.
   · Controlling behavior: Keeping track of whom you're with and where you are. Telling you what to wear. Preventing you from getting or keeping a job. Taking your money. Threatening to commit suicide, or to spread nasty gossip about you.
   · Violence (physical, emotional or sexual): Punching the wall. Yelling. Insults. Name-calling. Pushing you. Insisting on any kind of unwanted sexual activity. Throwing things. Pinching, spanking, punching, strangling...
   Bottom line: If you're uncomfortable with your relationship, something's wrong. Trust your instincts. Go with your gut feeling. If you're in an unhealthy relationship, get help.
   At Tinker, Family Advocacy can provide assistance to active duty and family members who are victims or perpetrators of intimate partner violence. Call 734-4390 for more information.
   The Employee Assistance Program offers confidential counseling to Department of Defense civilian employees. Call 734-6687/734-6691 or 1-800-222-0364 for more details.
   In the Oklahoma City area, the YWCA Domestic Violence Hotline is 917-9922.