Recognizing the signs of domestic violence Published Oct. 30, 2008 By Danielle Gregory Tinker Public Affairs TINKER AIR FORCE BASE, Okla., -- Oklahoma jumped this year from being tenth in the nation in female homicides by males, to fourth, a harsh reality. It is important to recognize the warning signs of domestic abuse, and to plan and escape when the situation becomes un-livable. "Signs of domestic abuse usually begin very subtly. The most common characteristic of a batterer is behavior that demonstrates manipulation, power and control. Women are often flattered when a man displays a great deal of interest and is very attentive," said 1st Lt. Michelle Gramling, Family Advocacy Program chief. "If a boyfriend calls several times a day and envies the time you spend with others instead of him, she might feel lucky to have such a guy." In domestic abuse relationships, these early behaviors increase in frequency and intensity, often resulting in more control and abuse. Domestic violence isn't something that people see every day. It lies beneath the surface, usually hidden from the public. Domestic violence includes: · Physical Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Emotional Abuse · Economic Abuse · Psychological Abuse "As a result of abuse, the victim's self confidence and view of themselves diminishes. They are embarrassed about being abused by someone they love and often feel in some way responsible for the batterer's behavior. The abuse is intentionally expressed only in their intimate relationships and so many of his/her acquaintances would be surprised to know about it," said Selonda Moseley, Domestic Abuse Victim Advocate. The victims usually participate in this deception because of their own shame and guilty feelings. If the victim spoke out, the abuser may feel a loss of control and retaliate with more. It's impossible to know what goes on behind closed doors of others, but there are a few signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse. Some of those signs include but are not limited to frequent injuries, frequent and sudden absences from work or school, frequent, harassing phone calls from the partner, fear of the partner, references to the partner's anger, personality changes, excessive fear of conflict, submissive behavior, lack of assertiveness, isolation from friends and family, insufficient resources to live, depression, crying or low self-esteem. The Tinker Advocacy Programs encourages those that choose to stay with an abusive partner to have a safety plan. This includes thinking about the following: Know the risk of being harmed. Know how to reduce risk. Identify where and who to go to for help. Plan how to leave a dangerous situation safely. Identify what personal documents and contact numbers to take if forced to leave. "If children are in the home they should be a part of the safety plan. Children should be given a word or phrase that is an "emergency code" that they can use if they need help but it is unsafe to say so. It's important to not only tell children to get help, but to go through the steps and show them how, for example how to use the phone. It's also important that the victim understand that the plan is a "living document" and should be revised as his/her safety needs change. A safety plan should also include all places where the victim frequents, both work and home," said Ms. Moseley.