Shine the Light: Mental, physical abuse equally damaging Published April 24, 2015 By Kimberly Woodruff Staff Writer TINKER AIR FORCE BASE, OKLAHOMA -- Tinker's Family Advocacy office is hoping to "Shine the Light" on child abuse this month. And they're not just talking about abuse of a physical nature. Studies have shown that psychological abuse -- such as name calling, demeaning and saying things like, "big boys don't cry," or telling a girl she is "such a drama queen" -- can manifest in a child and give them the impression they can't have feelings, according to Maj. Dawn Tanner, Family Advocacy lead. That's especially true with tweens and teens. "When we see parents of older children, sometimes they have the idea that it isn't maltreatment because this child is not a baby any longer," said Reba Ferguson, a treatment manager with Family Advocacy. "They have higher expectations even though the child is still only 10 or 12 years old." Some teens they see, Ms. Ferguson said, find it difficult to talk about their experiences and feelings because they aren't as readily believed as the younger children are. Alecia Teacher, another treatment manager, agreed. She said the system is at a loss when it comes to teens. "It is difficult to reach and treat the teens because they aren't often believed," she said. "When teens disclose abuse, unfortunately, there is a belief that they can protect themselves and they might not need protection or support." The group said it is just as important for parents to be good listeners as it is to be the rule setter. Oftentimes, they said, parents have a "my way or the highway" kind of mentality and their ego controls their actions. "Listen to your kids," said treatment manager Don Bowen. "As parents we tend to get our feelings hurt." Ms. Ferguson agreed, adding that parents need to work harder to listen more and longer. "Tell yourself that you can step back and not make a decision right now, so there is less emotion in the decision," she advises. Major Tanner said there is a vast difference in parenting an infant who depends on the parent for everything, as opposed to parenting a toddler or a teenager who is becoming independent. "The language is different, so we have to grow and evolve to communicate," said Major Tanner. "If a parent is open to communication with a teen, it shows the teen how to develop into a future adult. If a parent is supposed to be the teacher, and the parent is the one hurting them emotionally, then how is the teen supposed to learn how to communicate in a mutually respectful, healthy relationship ?" Mr. Bowen said it takes time to learn the idea for a parent to be able to admit to a child that they don't have all the answers, but communication is the key. "When a child has a parent who can say, 'I'm sorry, I could have done that a little differently,' it shows the child they are worthy of an apology and they have value," the major said. She added, "The word 'different' is a far more workable word instead of the word, 'wrong.' Most parents have a difficult time admitting they are wrong." "Teens are at the age where they are trying to find out who they are, where they belong and they are asserting their independence," said Major Tanner. "If the child's independence and differences aren't welcomed in the family, the child might feel ostracized and if they don't fit in with their family, then where do they belong? This need to belong they are looking for might be found elsewhere, and perhaps in an unhealthy environment." Ms. Ferguson said that a child who feels ostracized can run away and could end up entangled in human trafficking. Ms. Teacher agreed and said trafficking is an issue in Oklahoma. "I think everyone's main goal is the safety, happiness and well-being for the kids," said Mr. Bowen. "Start by being a better listener to your kid and be willing to work for partial victories." If a parent of a teen is limited in their communication, Family Advocacy has quarterly Active Parenting of Teens classes that fit into any schedule, or counselors can see families one-on-one by appointment. Classes are open to anyone with base access. For more information about any of the classes at Family Advocacy, call 582-6604.