Domestic violence awareness month: bad situations spread to children/teens Published Oct. 17, 2008 By Danielle Gregory Tinker Public Affairs TINKER AIR FORCE BASE, Okla., -- An estimated 3.3 million children are exposed to domestic violence in their homes each year. In addition, experts estimate that from 30 to 70 percent of children in abusive homes are also abused themselves. "Children exposed to violence in the home may display poor social skills, low self-esteem and even poor grades. It's hard to rest up for school when you are cowering in bed listening to the adults in the next room yelling, screaming and hitting," said Joyce Atlee, Tinker Family Advocacy outreach manager. "Depression is not uncommon and teens may turn to early marriage as an escape route. Unfortunately, some end up repeating the patterns they saw growing up, either as an aggressor or as a victim. Teen dating violence starts at the average age of 15." Children as young as preschool age are noted to be sympathetic towards their battered mothers. In one study of children ages 11 to 17, all the boys over 14 years old tried to protect their mothers from attacks. Another study of males between the ages of 12 and 18, who were incarcerated for murder, showed 67 percent were there because they had killed the person abusing their mother. She also said that statistics show that males who witness their father abusing their mother are much more likely to become abusers themselves than male children from homes free of violence. Another study looked at young women between the ages of 15 to 19 who had been murdered, 30 percent had been killed by their boyfriends or husbands. "Children develop views about themselves and their environment early in life, primarily from their caregivers. Normal, healthy childhood development occurs most effectively in homes that are able to provide the appropriate emotional and physical needs of a child. Domestic violence homes are unsafe, chaotic environments. Children in these homes grow up feeling unsafe and often mistrustful. They do not see the world as a safe place. These children often have symptoms of anxiety, depression and self doubt," said Selonda Moseley, family abuse advocate. "Their emotional and academic development is frequently affected. They may meet their developmental milestones such as potty training, talking, and walking at later dates. They may have a low frustration tolerance and have difficulty with their peers." Children who are raised in a healthy safe environment are free to explore their world without anxiety and fear. In other words, they are able to "just be kids." As a result their development is less likely to be delayed." The environment that children grow up in not only affects them in their pre-teen years, but follows them throughout the rest of their life. The dangers of teen-dating violence and sexual assault continue even when the violence has ended. Many survivors turn to high-risk behaviors, including binge drinking, drug use, suicide attempts and eating disorders. An abusive dating relationship has many negative effects on the victim. Things like emotional and physical suffering are a few of those effects. "Teens from homes with domestic violence have often witnessed someone they love hurt someone else they love. Boys and girls develop an unhealthy understanding of intimate relationships. We all learn from our environments and these young adults are no exception. They come to believe that it's normal for people that love one another to hurt one another," said Ms. Moseley. "They use the same methods of problem-solving conflicts in relationships as the people around them. The result is often a duplication of violent behavior witnessed at home." A study done in 2006 showed that in 43 percent of homes where children where living, a woman was a victim of domestic violence. Today, 275 million children worldwide live in homes where domestic violence occurs. "The examples that individuals see in their environment are the reference points that we use when interacting and problem solving in the world," Ms. Moseley said. "Children from domestic violent homes have learned unhealthy approaches. Therefore they are more likely to have difficulty interacting with peers, handling conflict and developing healthy communication skills. These skills are all essential to a social being." Survivors of relationship violence, male or female, young or old, will live as survivors for the rest of their lives. They will be forever be affected in some way and in return affect those who care about them. Abuse and sexual assault are experiences that cannot be erased from life. Dating violence affects men and women, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends and classmates. "Your physical injury heals, but the emotional wounds are always there," said Ms. Atlee. The Tinker Family Advocacy offers several programs for children such as; developmental consultations, weekly play groups, rhythm babies and infant massage. Children can receive family counseling through Family Advocacy Strength Based Therapy. FAP also offers parenting classes.